I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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