I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
