I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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