The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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