Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
