the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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