I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
