Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
