I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
