i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
