you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You're like the curious george of whores
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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