I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
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