They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
