if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
