You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
