I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
