Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
