if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
