I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
