I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
