I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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