Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
