it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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