I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
