Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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