worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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