There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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