You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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