Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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