I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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