my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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