6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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