so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
