Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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