hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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