i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
