woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
