I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
