My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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