life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
grandma shit on top of the toilet
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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