I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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