its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
