if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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