Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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