I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
