i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
