Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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