I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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