I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
