omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
