he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
