Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
