We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
