he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
